maybe
by harmony-of-mar
Summary: Allen simply couldn't go on. suicide fic, from a request by my mate yana. no real pairings, but slight allenxlenalee if you stand back and look at upside down. RE-WRITTEN!


**Ok, this is a request from my mate from school, I don't normally do suicide fics but I'm trying out new things.**

**I don't own d.gray-man.**

**--**

Allen lay curled up on the floor of his room, the cold stone pressing against his face, letting out the occasional sob of weakness and pain. Blood was pouring out of his arm. All the pain, all the misery, all the uselessness he felt, it would soon go away.

--

_Lavi had been the first to realize something was wrong. A little over a month ago, he had been chatting happily as Allen was eating, then suddenly realized Allen was in fact, NOT eating, rather just pushing the food around with his fork. His eyes were blank and glassy._

'_Allen, are you alright?' He had asked concernedly, leaning forward. Allen didn't notice he had said anything and continued to stare. Only after Lavi repeated himself for the fourth time did Allen look up in alarm. It occurred to Lavi how tired and unwell the boy was looking lately._

'_Yes? Lavi? I'm fine…'_

_The white haired exorcist then forced a smile. It was the smile of someone who was crying on the inside. Before Lavi could comment, Allen had got up from the table and left his food untouched._

_--_

Jeryy checked his watch and poked his head out of the window, looking around the cafeteria for his favorite customer, but there was no sign of him. It was odd for Allen to be late, as he had been the as few weeks, and was starting to notice he was looking skinny and unfed. Just then, Kanda approached the window.

'The usual,' He said stiffly.

'Coming right up!' Jeryy said cheerfully, going about preparing soba. 'By the way, Kanda, do you know if Allen is unwell? He hasn't been down here for meals the last few days and I thought maybe he was sick.'

'How should I know? I'm not the Bean sprouts keeper.'

Jeryy shrugged absent-mindedly, but his words made Kanda a little nervous, particularly after last week.

--

_Allen and Kanda sat in the back of a truck, hitchhiking back to the order after their train was delayed. The mission had ended with half the town being killed, and Road forcing her Akumas to self destruct. Allen, who had been down lately for some reason, was curled up and silent. It was killing Kanda._

'_Sheesh, Beansprout, you couldn't do anything, get over it. And don't make me save your sorry ass next time; you're useless to the order dead._

'_I'm useless now too,' Allen said in a choked voice, 'All those people dead because of me…All those souls destroyed…I could see their torment and I couldn't do anything about it…I'd be better off dead.'_

_Kanda was unnerved by his words, but decided to ignore them._

--

'Lenalee!' Lavi called down the hall. The girl turned, and smiled as Lavi walked towards her quickly, but her smile disappeared as she saw the look on the red heads face.

'Lavi? What is it?'

'I'm not sure,' The red head sighed, 'but I think Allen might need help.'

'Help? Help with what?'

'I think he has depression.'

Lenalee was alarmed by this, but thinking back on Allen's behavior lately, things clunked into place.

'My god…Have you asked him about this?'

'Yeah, I did, yesterday, but he freaked out and yelled at me. That kinda made me think it more.'

Lenalee's eyes widened, then grabbed the bookman's hand and pulled him down the corridor.

'Come on, we're going to talk to him.'

--

_Lavi looked up at Allen. He was staring out the window, wearing that strange glassy look he had adopted. Lavi walked forward and placed his hand on his shoulder._

'_Allen, are you ok?'_

'_I'm fine.' Allen said stiffly, not looking at him._

_Lavi was silent, trying to think of the best way to say this, then sighed and decided to just say it._

'_Allen, I know it's none of my business, but do you think you need a doctor?'_

'_I'm not sick.'_

'_Allen, you're not eating, I know you're not sleeping, you never talk properly anymore, and you look like a zombie. You need a doctor.'_

'_Well I'm not seeing one!' Allen said, raising his voice, throwing Lavi's hand away, he then turned and started walking quickly down the corridor. Lavi jogged to keep up._

'_Allen, you aren't the same anymore.'_

'_People change, Lavi.'_

'_Not this much! Allen….Are you depressed?'_

_Allen stopped and turned to face him. He really did look sick._

'_No, I'm not. Now keep your stupid Bookman nose out of my business and leave me alone!'_

_He violently shoved Lavi back against the wall. Lavi gave a cry, more out of surprise then pain, and Allen looked shocked at his own actions. He let Lavi go, tears welling in his eyes._

'_I-I-I-I'm so sorry, Lavi, I don't…I just…I gotta go!'_

_Before Lavi could stop him, the boy ran away._

_--_

Allen opened his eyes weakly to look at his arm. The skin was pale under all the blood, and not yet finished. The wound was starting to heal slightly, stopping the flow of red. He could not allow this to happen, not when he was so close.

He got heavily to his feet, swaying slightly as the room spun, wincing in pain from the sting of his cut, and stumbled over to the place he had thrown the knife. He raised it, closing his eyes, and brought it down, one, two three more slashes. He cried out in pain and fell to the floor, trying hard not to let his survival instincts take over and grip the wound to stop the bleeding. He let his arm flop beside him, a second bloody puddle forming beneath him. He closed his eyes again, and suddenly realized he could hear voices.

'I'm telling you, I heard him scream in there.'

'Well then knock already!'

There was a knock.

'Allen? Allen, its Lavi and Lenalee! Open up, we wanna talk.'

Allen didn't answer. At this point, he was too weak to even moan in pain. He just lay there, hoping they would go away soon; he didn't want them to see him like this and try to stop him.

The door knob rattled.

'Damn, it's locked.' Lavi made the obvious comment, 'Come Allen! We know you're in there! We heard you screaming! What's going on?'

'Maybe he's asleep and is having a nightmare?' Lenalee suggested.

'Allen never locks his door when he goes to sleep though,' Lavi said, 'In case someone needs him during the night for a mission or whatever.'

'Damn that Lavi….' Allen thought as his mind became slow and dark, 'He knows me too well…'

The last sound he heard was the strange whirring sound of an activated innocence, and then darkness enveloped him. He smiled. Goodbye.

--

Lenalee kicked down the door with her dark boots and rushed into the room with Lavi. Allen lay in the middle of the stone floor, pools of blood littering the floor. A bloody knife was in one corner of the room, and Allen's arm was covered in great, deadly slashes.

'Allen!' They both screamed in horror, rushing forward. Lenalee took off her jacket and wrapped it around Allen's arm, tied it tight and then felt for a pulse. There was a small one.

'I'll go get Komui and the others!' Lavi said, running out the room. Lenalee barely heard him. She was too busy staring At Allen's pale face. She rested his head in her lap, tears welling in her eyes.

'Whywhywhy….' She sobbed, stroking his hair. It was obvious he had been struggling lately, but never; never did she expect him to resort to suicide.

'Allen…' She said, as loudly as she could, 'Please don't die. You are needed.'

--

Lavi sat in a chair, his head in his hands. Lenalee was in the hospital room with the unconcious Allen. Lavi wasn't able to face him.

After a while, he suddenly felt someone sit in the chasir next to him. Someone tapped him.

'So did Beansprout really try to kill himself?'

Lavi looked up, tears flowing freely down his face. Kanda stared back at him, though he seemed to lack his usual coldness. Lavi nodded and ran his hands through his hair, sighing.

'Y-yeah, he did...I...I guess the stress just got to him...'

Kanda nodded, choosing to remain silent. Eyepatch seemed to be upset badly, and letting him talk was the best option.

'I can't beleive he was suffering this much...' Lavi sighed, slumping against his chair, 'I wish he could have told us he was struggling...We're his friends, aren't we?'

'Maybe he thought you wouldn't understand...' Kanda murmured.

'But we do!' Lavi cried, wiping a fresh wave of tears away, 'Are we not in this crap too?! I mean...We all feel useless sometimes...Sometimes i stop and wonder why we bother, why can't we just take all the pain anmd struggle away, just let ourselves go, but we have to keep trying, don't we? We have to fight for our loved ones, for their sake..For our sake... This whole thing, Allen...He has things worse, he can see the akuma suffering, he couldn't do anything but watch when all those akumas were killing those people and..And...But that doesn't mean we don't understand!'

Lai collapsed in sobs, not caring that Kanda was watching. He understood what Allen was going through, he himself had considered suicide a few times, he doubted there were many here who hadn't. But he'd kept going, because he'd seen what the death of a friend could do to people. He wanted Allen to understand he couldn't die, he was too loved. He wanted to help Allen, but Allen needed to want it first.

--

Allen opened his eyes, staring at the white ceiling of a hospital. Tears welled in his grey orbs and dripped down his cheek. He heard someone shout his name and Lenalee appeared at his side, looking ragged.

'Allen!' She repeated, leaning close, looking worried. Allen turned his head to look at her.

'Why am I still a part of this world?' He asked in a choked voice, 'I don't deserve to be here.'

Suddenly, Lenalee jumped forward and caught him up and a tight hug. Allen stared at her in shock, pushing her back.

'Don't you dare!' Lenalee screamed at him, eyes blazing, and tears falling down her face, 'Don't you dare ever say that again!'

'But-'

'Shut up! Allen, we're trying to help you. Really…What is wrong? Please tell me…'

Allen looked at her desperate face. She looked genuinely concerned, and very sad. He sighed.

'I…I can't go on,' He managed to say, 'I-I'm just….I can't save anyone…I can't save enough…And every night I dream about them, and their terrified screams, every time I close my eyes I see the souls of Akuma being pulled apart because I couldn't destroy them in time….And my eye is just hurting me all the time and I feel…I feel…'

He was unable to go on. He held up his hand to cover his face, his other hand too sore to move. He suddenly felt Lenalees warm arms around him.

'I know you can't help suffering for others,' she whispered soothingly into his ear, 'But please, Allen…Never feel like you're worthless. It won't be like this forever. You just have to hold on to that little bit of light at the end of the tunnel…Please, Allen, will you hold on? For us?'

Allen was silent, and didn't react for a moment, the slowly nodded and put his arms around the girl, a fresh wave of tears coming on. Maybe, just maybe, he could get through this.

--

**Well, that's the end of my first request fic. Love it? Hate it? Review it? **


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